Jose Mourinho is on the brink of the sack ahead of Chelsea’s crunch Barclays Premier League clash with Liverpool on Saturday.
Rumours are rife that the under-fire Portuguese coach will be axed should the Blues fail to beat the Reds at Stamford Bridge.
Five months ago, he was lifting his third Premier League trophy. Today, Chelsea are 15th in the league, and have endured their worst ever start to a Premier League season, losing half of their opening 10 games; two more defeats than they suffered throughout the whole of the previous campaign.
And in a matter of days, Roman Abramovich is expected to make a decision over whether to sack the Blues boss.
The good news for Mourinho is that he’ll be £30m pounds richer if Abramovich wield the axe, as the Portuguese signed a lucrative new four-year deal during the summer, which is reportedly worth £8.5m a year.
The 52-year-old manager is under immense pressure to decide on a new career choice.
We offer him suggestions with an eye on one per cent from his huge severance fee!
1. New James Bond Actor
His extraordinary seven-minute monologue after the defeat to Southampton on October 3, and Saturday’s meltdown at West Ham are stuffs of legend.
My name is Mourinho, Jose Mourinho!
Even the best of the best 007 character, Sean Connery, would struggle to match those performances.
2. DANFO DRIVER
There are days when Mourinho projects the impression he is out of control.
And in some games when it appears his paranoia is infecting his team and damaging their chances.
So, which job will such characteristics serves as a plus not a minus?
I am a danfo driver siooor…
3. Professional Resume writer
A good resume could land you that dream job. Still struggling on how to write one? Here’s a sample from Mourinho Consult Limited:
“I’m Jose Mourinho, the winner of two UEFA Champions Leagues, eight domestic league titles and 22 trophies in total. I’m the greatest manager in Chelsea’s history.”
“Many players have produced the best form of their career under me: Eden Hazard, Nemanja Matic, Branislav Ivanovic, Cesar Azpilicueta just to limit it to Chelsea.
“Many are my signings. Some are my disciples. Where I lead, they have followed. While outsiders may condemn the behaviour of some of my players, I defend them – even Diego Costa.
“I am the manager whose sides are built on watertight defending; I am the man whose teams go on extended excellent runs; I am the specialist in big games and the coach who could go for years without losing at home.
“I have proved myself to be the best short-term manager in modern football. Rebuilding major clubs can be an expensive process. Just ask Manchester United, who have spent around £280 million under Louis van Gaal alone.
“I remain a manager who is destined to be bracketed among the best.”
4. Prayer Warrior
It is a surprise that Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has still not sacked Mourinho after a disappointing start to the season.
If history has taught us anything, it’s that the Russian has sacked people for a lot less.
Luiz Felipe Scolari
Roberto Di Matteo
But what has kept Mourinho on the job thus far?
The power of a praying man!
If he eventually loses his job, he can go back on his knees and make profit out of it by interceding for people in need of God’s protection from challenging work environment.
5. From Real Estate to the Throne
Mourinho has sounded out potential moves with Paris Saint-Germain and former club Internazionale.
But he’s the highest paid manager in the Premier League, if not the world game.
With his annual salary reported to be anywhere between £8.5m and £13.2m, depending on the source (not Zikoko), the French club and their counterpart from Italy could be scared and reluctant to pursue the services of the Portuguese.
But with N9.6 billion in his wallet, Mourinho could team up with the new Ooni of Ife and venture into real estate.
Who knows if that will lead him back to football throne like the Ooni.
6. Time to publish that dossier on Wenger
Mourinho seems to always remember Arsene Wenger when he’s happy, sad, or out of job.
So, we think it’s about time he made goods his words.
“At Stamford Bridge, we have a file of quotes from Mr Wenger about Chelsea football club in the last 12 months – it is not a file of five pages. It is a file of 120 pages,” Mourinho said in November 2005.
That’s 10 years ago so we expect the dossier is now 1,000 pages and counting.
Jose, let’s have the first instalment, please.
7. Funeral Director, Mou?
So, what makes a good funeral director?
The usual answers might be:
Or even in some cases
A great salesperson
Mourinho has all that.
But here are the qualities that separate the good from the great – the Stephen Keshi from the Jose Mourinho.
Curiosity, Good listening skills, ability to inspire, Creativity, Courage
Please, welcome funeral director Jose!
He sure has the Confidence
Does he carry himself well?
Of course (when his team is winning, though)
Does the camera love him?
Does he have the Portfolio?
Well, see his resume above!
In order to be successful in their careers, models need to fit the designer’s clothes so they can help make them more alluring to customers.
No one does it better than Jose!
Dressing the part
9. If all else fails, then he should be a perfect replacement for…
Change is the only constant thing, right?