9 jobs for Jose Mourinho after life inside the dugout

Jose Mourinho is on the brink of the sack ahead of Chelsea’s crunch Barclays Premier League clash with Liverpool on Saturday.

Rumours are rife that the under-fire Portuguese coach will be axed should the Blues fail to beat the Reds at Stamford Bridge.

Five months ago, he was lifting his third Premier League trophy. Today, Chelsea are 15th in the league, and have endured their worst ever start to a Premier League season, losing half of their opening 10 games; two more defeats than they suffered throughout the whole of the previous campaign.

And in a matter of days, Roman Abramovich is expected to make a decision over whether to sack the Blues boss.

The good news for Mourinho is that he’ll be £30m pounds richer if Abramovich wield the axe, as the Portuguese signed a lucrative new four-year deal during the summer, which is reportedly worth £8.5m a year.

The 52-year-old manager is under immense pressure to decide on a new career choice.

We offer him suggestions with an eye on one per cent from his huge severance fee!

1. New James Bond Actor

His extraordinary seven-minute monologue after the defeat to Southampton on October 3, and Saturday’s meltdown at West Ham are stuffs of legend.

My name is Mourinho, Jose Mourinho!

Even the best of the best 007 character, Sean Connery, would struggle to match those performances.

2. DANFO DRIVER

There are days when Mourinho projects the impression he is out of control.

And in some games when it appears his paranoia is infecting his team and damaging their chances.

So, which job will such characteristics serves as a plus not a minus?

I am a danfo driver siooor…

3. Professional Resume writer

A good resume could land you that dream job. Still struggling on how to write one? Here’s a sample from Mourinho Consult Limited:

“I’m Jose Mourinho, the winner of two UEFA Champions Leagues, eight domestic league titles and 22 trophies in total. I’m the greatest manager in Chelsea’s history.”

“Many players have produced the best form of their career under me: Eden Hazard, Nemanja Matic, Branislav Ivanovic, Cesar Azpilicueta just to limit it to Chelsea.

“Many are my signings. Some are my disciples. Where I lead, they have followed. While outsiders may condemn the behaviour of some of my players, I defend them – even Diego Costa.

“I am the manager whose sides are built on watertight defending; I am the man whose teams go on extended excellent runs; I am the specialist in big games and the coach who could go for years without losing at home.

“I have proved myself to be the best short-term manager in modern football. Rebuilding major clubs can be an expensive process. Just ask Manchester United, who have spent around £280 million under Louis van Gaal alone.

“I remain a manager who is destined to be bracketed among the best.”

4. Prayer Warrior

It is a surprise that Chelsea owner Roman Abramovich has still not sacked Mourinho after a disappointing start to the season.

If history has taught us anything, it’s that the Russian has sacked people for a lot less.

Claudio Ranieri

Andre Villas-Boas

Carlo Ancelotti

Luiz Felipe Scolari

Roberto Di Matteo

But what has kept Mourinho on the job thus far?

The power of a praying man!

If he eventually loses his job, he can go back on his knees and make profit out of it by interceding for people in need of God’s protection from challenging work environment.

5. From Real Estate to the Throne

Mourinho has sounded out potential moves with Paris Saint-Germain and former club Internazionale.

But he’s the highest paid manager in the Premier League, if not the world game.

With his annual salary reported to be anywhere between £8.5m and £13.2m, depending on the source (not Zikoko), the French club and their counterpart from Italy could be scared and reluctant to pursue the services of the Portuguese.

But with N9.6 billion in his wallet, Mourinho could team up with the new Ooni of Ife and venture into real estate.

Who knows if that will lead him back to football throne like the Ooni.

6. Time to publish that dossier on Wenger 

Mourinho seems to always remember Arsene Wenger when he’s happy, sad, or out of job.

So, we think it’s about time he made goods his words.

“At Stamford Bridge, we have a file of quotes from Mr Wenger about Chelsea football club in the last 12 months – it is not a file of five pages. It is a file of 120 pages,” Mourinho said in November 2005.

That’s 10 years ago so we expect the dossier is now 1,000 pages and counting.

Jose, let’s have the first instalment, please.

7. Funeral Director, Mou?

So, what makes a good funeral director?

The usual answers might be:

Charismatic

Empathetic

Or even in some cases

A great salesperson

Mourinho has all that.

But here are the qualities that separate the good from the great – the Stephen Keshi from the Jose Mourinho.

Curiosity, Good listening skills, ability to inspire, Creativity, Courage

Please, welcome funeral director Jose!

8. Modelling

He sure has the Confidence

Does he carry himself well?

Of course (when his team is winning, though)

Poise

Does the camera love him?

Headshot

Does he have the Portfolio?

Well, see his resume above!

In order to be successful in their careers, models need to fit the designer’s clothes so they can help make them more alluring to customers.

No one does it better than Jose!

Dressing the part

9. If all else fails, then he should be a perfect replacement for…

Change is the only constant thing, right?

WHY NIGERIAN ADVERTS SUCK (& HOW TO FIX THEM)

WHY NIGERIAN ADVERTS SUCK (& HOW TO FIX THEM).

TO THE WORLD’S GREATEST DAD

What makes a truly great man? Is it having a wealth of friends who look up to you? Is it being the smartest person in nearly every room you step in?
Could it be growing from hustler to nobleman through sheer hard work, focus and commitment? Perhaps it’s taking the nasty punches life throws at you, yet getting back up and keep on swinging, always smiling. So many ways to define greatness.
To me, greatness is anyone I look up to. I look up to my dad. He has all these things yet he’s still so much more.
I think he’s the best dad in the world. Every other dad should take notes from him.
Happy Birthday Dad.

Beyond: Two Souls (Videogame Review)

As a big fan of Fahrenheit (Indigo Prophecy) on the PS2, I still don’t understand why I never got Heavy Rain for PS3. I have always been a sucker for a good story and Quantic Dream seems to have acquired some fame for their storytelling prowess.

Now, if you like stories about ghosts, portals, The Fugitive and X-files (in that particular order), you’re in for a hell of a ride because Beyond: Two Souls covers all these and more.

Beyond: Two Souls is a hard-to-classify videogame. Videogame is not even a proper classification. It’s more of an interactive movie. In fact, unlike Fahrenheit where you could get killed or end the game prematurely, there is no possible way of committing suicide in this game – I know because I tried. The “movie” follows the life of Jodie (played by Ellen Page) a special child with a very unusual ability. She has an “imaginary friend” who’s not so imaginary. Aiden (the name of said imaginary friend) is real – something I got to experience first-hand when the game grants you control of him.

Like all spirits, Aiden has special abilities which the player can use to aid Jodie whenever she’s in a fix. He can possess people, strangle them and move objects.

Storytelling aside, Beyond: Two Souls is a beautiful game. The visuals make you wonder if you’re still playing a PS3 game. I had to call my sister over and ask her what she thought. Needless to say, she was blown away. The motion capture is also great. Naughty Dog set the bar for motion capture/animation in their Uncharted series as well as the Last of us and Quantic Dream doesn’t disappoint. The facial animation though is way better than any Naughty Dog game (in my own opinion). The game’s high production value shines through. The use of music is right-on as the score kicks in at just the right times. The score was done by Hans Zimmer so you know what to expect from him. For me, the best part about this game is the voice acting. You need to just hear it. I totally missed the semblance of Kadeem Hardison (Dwayne Wayne) as one of the characters but the voice was the giveaway. I don’t know how they did it but damn! This game looks and sounds good.

The quality and money poured into the game is evident as everything about this game is top notch… except the story itself. The story isn’t bad per se. In fact, the entire first half of the story gripped me from the get-go and refused to let go. David Cage (Writer and Director) has an enviable ability to tug at the heart strings. There were moments during that first half when I felt my heart break.

Unfortunately, the second half doesn’t hold up too well. Obviously, there’s no way for me to go into specifics without spoiling the game for you but the game starts veering towards some serious X-files territory. And the effect broke me out of the story. The ending though was … something.

On the gameplay front, the interactivity isn’t anything groundbreaking. In fact, unless you are familiar with previous Quantic Dreams outings, you would be appalled by the level of interactivity Beyond: Two Souls affords. Most times you’ll get to control your character’s movements but the path you ought to follow is telegraphed by the way the camera moves and positions itself. You’re not even permitted to roam away from the linear path the developers intended. I’m not saying this is a minus. I’m simple explaining it for anyone who’s interested.

On a final note, Beyond: Two Souls is not a videogame. Anyone looking for a serious videogame fix (ideally after days of GTA V and Splinter Cell: Blacklist) should look elsewhere. This is a movie-game albeit with a story that pulls some really powerful punches.

COMPETENT

RIM/Blackberry (limps) back into the Smartphone Rumble.

Creativity in the News (Blackberry)

RIM, I mean Blackberry, is very late to the smartphone slugfest. Their “rebranding” efforts was met by a big yawn. At yesterday’s press event, RIM announced the name change to weary-eyed journalists.
If there’s a company that needs a bolt of creativity, it’s Blackberry.

To be fair, their Blackberry 10 OS sounds tempting. Very tempting.
This is a company that was once the Don of the smartphone industry. According to Nielsen, In 2012 Blackberry held just 8% of the US smartphone market compared to Apple’s 34%. Its stock value still dropped about 10% yesterday (30 January, 2012) despite the double announcement. Oh, I didnt mention the second rebranding strategy? Blackberry has contracted RnB sensation, Alicia Keys, as their (wait for it) Creative Director! Honestly, I don’t even know what that means. From my experience in Advertising, I know the Creative Director oversees all artistic/creative division include copywriters, graphic designers, animators etc. So, what exactly would Mrs Keys be doing in the Agency? C’mon guys, think.

On the bright side, AT&T issued a press release saying it would be supporting both devices on its network. Verizon, Sprint and T-Mobile also made statements saying they will support BlackBerry’s new phones.

The BlackBerry 10 OS comes equipped with fast browsers, smart cameras, swipe/gesture controls and in a breakaway from regular RIM practice, Angry Birds is among its application library. Hands on experience by the early reviewers have been mixed.

It’s sad really. Companies keep getting carried away with hype and flashy stunts. This would have been a great time to be creative but sadly, I fear this is a very uninspiring attempt by Blackberry to get back into the ring.

VERDICT: This might be a one-two punch coming too late.

Like one commenter remarked: I want to be Creative Director at Samsung. Obviously, the only qualification required is fame.Oh wait, I dont have that either. Tsk tsk.

The Words (2012): A Movie Review

I have a weakness for movies about writers. I remember watching Ruby Sparks and being emotional for about a week after. i literally gave the movie to all my writer-friends to watch. And the feedback was unanimous – great movie. I eventually gave that movie and The Words to another writer friend who was feeling down. So, imagine my shock when he sent me an sms saying The Words is much better. I knew I just had to see it.

I saw it. I loved it.

The Words is  story about a struggling writer who’s faced with the possibility of never getting published when he comes across a manuscript. He reads the story in it and he gets blown away. His wife also gets blown away. He ends up submitting it to his boss at the literary agency where he’s worked for 2years. The rest as they say is history.

There’s not really too much to spoil in this movie. The story is quite simple. But the beauty of this film is the way its told. The dialogue is weighty and ripe with deep meaning. Your heart will break, you’ll smile and “aww” as the movie tells its tale of love, of frustration and loss. True, it can be a bit simplistic and tacky at times – an author writes his best book when he’s depressed – but it still delivers its message.
This is the second movie Bradley Cooper plays a struggling author and gets a breakthrough but at a major cost(the other being Limitless). Does he have some subconscious desire to join the wordsmiths? This movie though, explores the motivations behind the choices we make in the hopes of achieving our dreams and the consequences we inevitably face. It handles its themes in a somewhat straightforward way. And the “story within a story” trope was really a miss for me. Why the story couldn’t just be told the normal way is beyond me.

More complaints: the camera stayed on some scenes for a second too long. It didn’t happen too often but enough to be noticed. Another niggle is the choice of Dennis Quaid as a character in this movie. I don’t think he handled his scenes well. But that’s just me.

I still believe Ruby Sparks is a better movie but I enjoyed seeing this.

VERDICT: A simplistic but touching tale that teaches a moral (if you’ll let it).

COMPETENT

The Leibster Award: Blogging Tribute

I can never give up on people’s capacity to be good. I felt honored when I discovered that hardeyi nominated me for The Leibster Award. Dude, you rock. If you’ve never been to his site, quickly click here (before anyone finds out).

Here’s what the Leibster Award is all about. It is an award for bloggers with less than 200 WordPress Followers. There are some basic rules and guidelines for this award which are:
 
The Rules

a. Thank the blogger that nominated you – Nailed that!
 
b. List 11 random facts about yourself
 
c. Answer the questions the blogger has asked you in the post you were nominated
 
d. Nominate 11 other people
 
e. Ask the 11 nominees questions as well.
 
f. Last and definitely least, let them know you nominated them.

Here we go…
 
b. 11 Random Facts about me

1.I have a knack for slacking off

2.I have a thing for slim girls.

3.I have seen Star Wars: Empire Strikes Back over 10 times.

4.I am a video game addict.

5.I think The Dark Knight was the best of the Nolan’s Batman Trilogy.

6.Peter Parker was my favorite comic book hero. Now it’s Bruce Wayne.

7.Listening to me, you’d think I am a genius but I’m not. I just read a lot.

8.I have had vanity crushes on Avril Lavigne, Alicia Keys and Jennifer Lawrence; in that order.
8. I am a sucker for a good story

9. I suspect I may be an alien.

10.I avoid conflict as much as possible, even to my own detriment.

11.I am a believer in God and Jesus Christ.

C. Answer the Questions the Blogger asked you in the post you were nominated.

1.What’s Your favorite TV series?
Right now, Fringe.
2.Who would you like to be, Carlos Slim or Bill Gates?

Bill Gates
 3.Your dream car?

Any current BMW will do

4.What are you presently obsessed about?

Creativity

5.Love or Money?

Love. Everytime.

6.How many books have you read this year?

As at April 9th, 2013:: 8 books.
7.Would you watch a movie before reading the book?

Why bother? It’s either the book or the movie. Watching both is a waste of time.
8.Which would you rather have: 1 million books sold or a Nobel Prize in Literature?

1 million books sold.
9.Your most prized possession

My mind.
10. In one word, describe our excellency President Goodluck Jonathan.

Must I? *sigh* Annoying
11.What would you change about you?

I would like to be a faster writer.

d. Nominate 11 other bloggers

T.Lag

glowingscenes

writingmyassout

gpuzoaga

CMrok93

That’s all(for now)

E.  Ask the 11 nominees questions as well.

1.  What inspires you to write?
2.   What would you change about you?
3.   What’s your writing process like?
4.  Would you choose writing as a full-time job?
5.  Achieve World Peace or Eradicate World Hunger?
6.  What’s the craziest dream you’ve ever had?
7.  Superman vs Flash: who wins?
8.  What’s your favorite movie of all-time?  
9.  Best movie one-liner ever?
10. The worst decision you ever made?
11. If you were an animal, which would you be? Why?

F. Lastly, let them know you nominated them.

That’s all folks.

Videogame Review: Bioshock Infinite (2013)

I played the last 20 minutes of Bioshock Infinite with my hand over my mouth – I just couldn’t’ keep it closed. At the end of my play through I was more than satisfied. I was thinking. I was cracking my head trying to figure out the brain-melting ending of the game.

Bioshock Infinite is a 2013 videogame by Irrational Games. If you have visited any video game site in the last 2 months it would have been hard to miss the excitement. And this is not unfounded. Irrational Games is well known for its story driven games, unique artwork and stunning visuals. In all three departments, Infinite does not miss a beat. This is an AAA title that means business. From the moment you step into Columbia, you’re drawn in by the lush world, the strange technology and the enigmatic citizens. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me give some background.

Bioshock Inifite is the third iteration of the FPS series, Bioshock from the now legendary studio that gave us System Shock. You play a man called Booker DeWitt who gets hired to find Elizabeth, a girl locked away in a tower. Armed with only her picture and a pistol, you’re launched into the city of Columbia. I say launched because Columbia is nothing like the Columbia you’re familiar with – Columbia is located high in the clouds. A bustling sky metropolis teeming with people, insane architecture and the weirdest technology I have ever seen since Half Life.

This game is gorgeous

Speaking of Half Life, Bioshock Infinite shares a lot of similarities with that game. For one, it is set in a fully realized city with advanced technology – it’s a city in the clouds for reality sake. Secondly, it is entirely story driven. The characters are fully developed, the voice acting is stellar and the animation is top notch.

Columbia is a world created to truly immerse anyone with an imagination. I noticed I was enjoying myself by just exploring every space and corner of the entire city. The music in Bioshock is incredible – It sets the mood perfectly. There’s commentary on racial discrimination, religion and politics which made me smile knowingly. I honestly don’t think there’s anything to snub in this game.

The architects of Columbia were definitely high on cheap drugs when they designed the city

GAMEPLAY

Like all good FPS, Bioshock Infinite is set in a world where you get to blast through several hundred enemies before you see the final credits. You’ll run into different weapons none of which are too different from the standard fare – pistols, shotguns, machine guns and rifles. You also have Vigors: powers you get from tonic drinks which grant Booker special abilities like possessing enemies, grabbing them and tossing them away, shocking them and so on. Then there’s the sky hook. The  first time I got on a sky rail was the moment I knew I loved Bioshock Infinite.

My journey through Columba was a little over 12 hours. If you are a better first person shooter player than I am, then it till take you less, maybe 10 hours. The action and the fun never lets up. In fact, I had my best gunfight in the last action sequence on a Zepellin.

This fight was insane

ELIZABETH

The depiction of female characters in videogames has always been a subject of debate. On one hand, we have those who are clamoring for more female leads and less objectification – they are either large breasted, helpless in need of a man to rescue them or both. The other side of the argument is that as long as the videogame sells, it means the consumers are happy. But both parties can stand easy as far as Bioshock Infinite is concerned. Elizabeth rocks! She’s integral to the entire story. The range of emotions she conveys throughout your journey through Columbia (she’s by your side for 97% of the time) is deep. From determination to conviction, to fear to joy. In my entire history of playing videogames, I have only gotten attached to 3 female characters – Princess Peach from Mario, the sleeping princess from Shadow of the Colossus and Alyx Vance of Half Life 2. Elizabeth joins them and wears the crown, gallantly.

Presenting the Star of the Show

Elizabeth is not just a central story character but she is integral to the gameplay. Whenever you’re running out of ammo, she’ll toss you some; at the brink of death, she’ll throw you health kits. She also has a dimension altering ability, which enables her bring in things from other dimensions to aid you in battle. She’s intelligent, she’s fragile, she’s emotionally resilient. The journey through Columbia would not be as rich without her. She picks locks, she points out items in the environment which you should be interested in. She’s a total knockout and I know I’m in love.

My new girlfriend

FINAL THOUGHTS

It’s easy to tell that I’m in love with Bioshock Infinite. What’s not to love? This is a game that enjoyed lots of TLC in the studio before being shipped and it shows through and through. I didn’t experience any glitches except a strange animation when one enemy fell the wrong way against the wall. But that was it.

Like a breath of fresh air in a bar, Bioshock Infinite injects some much needed soul into the FPS genre delivering a thrilling and engaging adventure with a mind warping storyline that will leave you dizzy when you’re through.

Play this game.

VERDICT: Irrational Games hits a double homerun and game geeks get a new dream girl – Elizabeth Booker.

COMPETENT

Movie Review: Chinese Zodiac (2012)

Jackie Chan plays the leader of a team of rogues that specialize in retrieving (stealing) whatever merchandise the clients desire. The team gets in over their head when tasked with acquiring Chinese artifacts for illegal auctioneers.

I love Jackie Chan. If there was a martial arts dictionary, Jackie Chan would be on the cover. But he’s old. He isn’t doing most of his stunts anymore – he’s now a wire-fu expert. Going into this movie, i thought why would I want to see this or any of his movies anymore? But Chinese Zodiac is an absolute must for the martial arts junkie. I don’t know how he did it but he managed to pull off moves that would make free runners drool. Without wires.

I never got on the Tony Jaa wagon – not a big fan of brutality or Muay Thai. Jet Lee isn’t making movies anymore. And I never did dig his Wuxia/Wire fu style. So Jackie is going to leave a big kungfu hole in my chest. No one fools around and simultaneously kicks butt like Jackie Chan. Chan in action is unique. It’s hilarious. It’s special.

Chinese Zodiac stumbles in the opening act, carrying an over-the-top vibe that resonates all through the film. It’s a bit too comical even by Jackie Chan’s standards but once the story conflict is established, it finds its footing.

I have other problems with Chinese Zodiac. For one, characters are goofy and ridiculous even for a Jackie Chan movie. The comedy is forced most of the time and the bad guy is forgettable. In fact, the only antagonist worth remembering shows up in the third and final arc of the story. And this meeting results in what is arguably the best fight sequence in the whole movie. The bout starts on a couch and ends up in the most unusual of places – a volcano. Seriously.

Jackie Chan’s movies have always been about the laughs and fights. Chinese Zodiac deviates slightly from the formula by adding a message. According to his publicist, Jackie Chan (age 58) wants his latest film to spread the message about how China’s national artifacts are being looted and sold. China isn’t the only nation with this problem though and I hope the message is effective in creating public awareness. No country or culture should be denied its heritage and history.

Meanwhile, if you have an itch to see grown men beat the snot out of each other, Chinese Zodiac has you covered. Just don’t expect Oscar worthy acting.

Verdict: Jackie Chan ditches the wires and gives us an old school martial arts movie with enough stunts to remind us exactly why we all love him so much.

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Movie Review: Flight (2012)

As someone who’s struggled with pornography, Flight is a movie I can relate to. Veteran pilot and alcoholic, Captain Whip Whitaker lands a doomed plane in a spectacular series of instinctive decisions thereby saving 96 souls from meeting their Maker. But he did it while drunk. This kicks off an investigation into who is to be held responsible for the disaster.

Heroes are not without flaws. Yet heroics do not elevate you above the law. That’s one of the themes of this movie. In fact, this is a theme-centric movie. Addiction, ethics and heroism are all dealt with here. There is also a strong argument about personal responsibility in the place of addiction that is handled intelligently through the subtle infusion of Alcoholics Anonymous in the character of Nicole – his love interest. The approach contrasts the acknowledgment of a Higher power (who is responsible for things beyond humans like a plane crash) and the acknowledgment of inner strength (which is central to overcoming addiction).

Substance abuse or dependency isn’t really a theme I drool on. These themes can be really depressing. Thankfully, Flight is not as depressing as say, Requiem for a Dream.

Denzel Washington is a really good actor (one of the best), but his emoting did not carry this movie.  We barely get to see him respond to the world around him (which makes me wonder why he got a best actor nomination). It was Tommy Kane that caught my eye. The scene where he walks in on Denzel and Reilly sneaking a smoke in the hospital stairwell elevated this movie above the incompetency line (yeah, that’s now officially a thing). The dialogue in this scene was gripping, almost “Aaron Sorkin” worthy. I mean, how does a “random” meeting by three strangers deliver the best dialogue in the entire movie? Hats off to Mr Kane. His delivery of a cancer patient was endearing. Hope to see more of him. John Goodman was also entertaining as usual. His hipster character was laugh-out-loud funny, everytime he came onscreen.

I think Robert Zemeckis wanted the movie to stand on the strength of the story it was trying to tell. The camera rarely stayed on the characters long enough to fully capture their emoting. I’m not saying this was a bad move. I’m saying, this was an unusual choice given the caliber of artistes in this film.

Not a bad way to spend about 140minutes at all.

Verdict: An adequate telling of a pilot’s heroism and flaw.

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